Billie's Nursery Rhymes
by EmpathNaga
Summary: A promised easter egg on the Saw II DVD. Bilie tells us stories many of us have heard as children. HIS way! Rated for language and gore and, in a later chapter, hinted necrophyllia.
1. Chapter 1

I apologize, my dear readers for taking so long to get this up. Some of the stories rhyme, and I need to get them just right. Oh, well.

This is still gonna take a while, cause I'm writing several other stories at once. Incest, KH/Saw, one possible boyxboy, and maybe a self-insertion; all that stuff.

Well, I need some replies to this to know people are actually reading this, so review afterwards.

Now for the important stuff. Remember that Billie the Doll narrates this. So, you have to imagine him telling you the story in that modified voice of his. Also, if you REALLY want to make it realistic, you can also picture the shadow puppets that are also featured with this on the DVD. And the Nursery music.


	2. The Pricess and the Pea

The Princess and the Pea

Saw Style.

Once, there lived a prince,

Who desperately needed a bride.

So the king declared a royal search

Across the countryside

The princess they sought had poise, charm,

And was appealing to the eye.

After a month of seeing unfit girls,

One measured up to size.

"Not so fast!" The king declared,

"Haste would be unwise."

"I have a test to prove her fit,

And this test never lies."

All the mattresses of the castle were stacked,

And at the bottom was placed a pea.

"If she feels that through the padding,

Then a princess she must be."

She awoke the next morning and said

"The bed was soft, I can't deny,

But I must admit, I'm sore all over,

And cannot tell you why."

This proved she was royal,

But the king said with a sigh

"Still, we must be positive.

Let's give it one more try."

But, the palace help were surly

For they had been forced to sleep on the floor.

"We'll take our mattresses back," they said,

"And kill this little whore."

They rampaged through the palace

All throughout the night,

Slitting throats, and reeking havoc

Until the morning light.

The moral:

Those who indulge life's luxuries never stay on top very long.

Watch out!

There's always an angry mob…

…Waiting…

…Outside.


	3. Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Ok, maybe I was too subtle in my introduction. **I **_**NEED **_**REVIEWS, PEOPLE!!**

Goldilocks & the 3 Bears

There was once a young girl named Goldilocks

Who, while walking in the forest one day,

Came upon a small house. She knocked on the door,

But no answer came. She wandered inside

And found three bowls of porridge left on the kitchen table.

She tried the first one; it was too hot.

The second; too cold.

And the last one was just the right temperature.

But she was really hungry, so she mixed them all together

And ate them that way.

Feeling tired now, she wandered on to find three beds.

The first was too hard.

The second, a bit too soft.

And the last one was just about right.

But Goldilocks wanted to really stretch out, so

She pushed all of the mattresses together

And slept on them sideways.

All the three bears that lived there finally came home

To find that someone had eaten their porridge,

And found Goldilocks sleeping in their beds.

They growled, and woke her up

She tried to run; however the bears were too fast.

The first thought she was too sour.

The second one, a bit too bitter.

And the last thought that she tasted just right.

Moral:

Greedy little girls who go into bears' houses and take their things…

…

…

…Get eaten.


	4. Little Jack Horner

Thanks to a positive review, I'm back!

Little Jack Horner, Saw style:

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner

Eating of Christmas pie

He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum

And said "What a good boy am I."

In a fit of glee he ate heartily

And choked on a pit and died.

The moral: The next time you stuff your face, little ones…

Eat something healthier than pie.

And watch out…

For what may lie within.


	5. Hushabye Baby

Another positive review, so I'm back again! BTW, on a completely unrelated topic, I've told some of these stories to my friends and they said that they never realized how horrible Nursery Rhymes are before now. Am I alone in thinking this about them?

Animorphgirl (and readers): I have thought about changing the rating, but I don't think this is Teen material. Especially since we get into screwing with dead people later. Am I alone yet again?

Hush-a-bye Baby

Hush-a-bye, Baby

In the treetop.

Baby falls down.

Baby's head pops.

Baby grows up

Discontent with his fate

And with a loaded gun

Unleashes his hate.

\

Moral: Cruelty is contagious. And grows within its victims. (Words of wisdom indeed, Billy.)


	6. Little Red Cap

Little Red Cap

---

Long ago in the woods lived a young woman.  
Her name was Little Red Cap.  
And every week she'd take a short trip  
To bring her dear grandma a snack.  
A woodsman named Eric was smitten by Red,  
And would constantly follow her track. Whenever she saw him, she'd shout,  
"I don't like you! And that's a plain fact!"  
But Eric kept stalking her, knowing  
That the wolf was soon bound to attack.  
One day, Red woke up and, after doing her chores,  
Left early for her granny's shack.  
But Eric had been drinking the night before,  
And that morning was flat on his back.  
But the wolf was on top of his game,  
And was onto Red in a snap.  
"I'll beet her to Grandma's house"  
He thought aloud,  
"And then feast on the dumb little brat."  
By the time Red got to her Granny's house,  
The wolf had set up his trap.  
He had gotten dressed up, was lying in bed,  
And Grandma was tied in a sack.  
The door swung open, and in stepped Eric,  
And there came a resolving "WHACK!"  
And Red lay dead on the cottage floor,  
And buried in her skull, an axe!  
"What took you so long?" Asked the wolf.  
"I thought that we had a pact."  
"I did my part!" Eric said hotly,  
"Don't give me any flack."  
"It's getting late." Said the wolf.  
"You better hide Granny in case - -"  
"Later. Later." Eric said.  
"I'm taking Red back to my place."

----

Moral: Lust can be deliciously destructive.

AN: I have a girl at school who bothers me like that! She's a nightmare! Unfortunately for me, I'm the wrong character in this!

I finally got to the screwing with dead people part!


	7. The Emperor's New Wardrobe

There once was an emperor, whose

Fashion taste was his claim.

He had the largest wardrobe

To his name.

One day a tailor arrived,

Claiming he could make clothes so fine

That they could only be seen

By those with smartest minds.

The tailor went to work for the emperor

Who paid a…hefty fee.

He finished on the emperor's birthday,

And the entire court gathered to see.

But when the tailor unveiled his latest design

The crowd gasped in shock to find

They could not see the fabric

In the tailor's hands!

Well, believing only the tailor, the emperor cried

"I must parade this suit across the land."

So, the emperor got into his 'birthday suit'

And then strutted outside.

As if though he had

Nothing to hide.

His subjects applauded graciously,

Not wanting to be overly rude.

Though, to everyone, the man was

Clearly nude.

Then a traveler, seeing the emperor,

Nearly burst a gut!

He cried out "Dear lord!

How gross! I can see that man's butt!"

All fell silent, and the emperor

Realized he had been had.

He then promptly stabbed the tailor

His mind gone just slightly mad.

As he glowered over the tailor's corpse,

Layered in shades of red,

The wisest man in all the land

Stepped forth and said,

"My, that is a nice suit. Where did you get it?"

"…"

-----

The moral: Sometimes it is better to be silent, and perhaps thought of as a fool, than to speak out, and remove all doubts that you are.

AN: NOW you tell me! And the doll came up with that 'birthday suit' thing on his own, I swear!


	8. Cinderella

Sorry for taking so long, readers, but I've been on vacation, and my keyboard's jammed, and some of the keys are screwed. If you see any out-of-place 't's that's why.

Finally. The final story. The reason it's last is because it's my least favorite. It's he only tone where nobody dies.

-----

Cinderella

-----

There once was a pious martyr

Who did nothing all day but clean.

Her name was Cinderella

And she secretly clung to a dream.

She hated her sisters and mother

And held all else in little steam.

And with her inflated self-image,

Dreamed she, one day, be queen.

A ball was announced at the palace,

And she knew what this must mean.

The prince was seeking a princess,

And the ball was the place to be seen.

With the help of her Fairy Godmother,

She was given a glossy new sheen.

And when she arrived at the place,

Made the others look like Holstein.

The prince was quickly enchanted,

And fell into a state most serene.

As they talked on and on all night

About he merits of proper hygiene (AN: ew.)

The clock finally struck midnight,

And Cinderella vacated the scene,

But she left behind a glass slipper,

So her identity could be claimed.

The prince went door to door,

Repeating the same routine,

Trying to squeeze the slipper onto feet

That were too big, and obscene.

But he finally found Cinderella, and knelt down on one knee

With a desperate plea in his eyes most green,

And begged her

…

…

…To take over cleaning the palace,

As they desperately needed a new maid.

-----

Moral: Things wished for, once received, are scarcely the way they seem in your dreams.

This was a very difficult fic to write. I have to actually LOOK at Billy the Puppet as he tells the stories. I have a THING about dolls. And HE'S LOOKING BACK AT ME!! Can you imagine being told a nursery rhyme with Billy the Jigsaw Puppet looking directly at you? It isn't pleasant. Those eyes, that smile… and he's sitting in a black chair, so you can't see his hair, and he looks bald…that makes him even creepier. I saw Child's Play a few nights ago, and Chucky wasn't as scary as Billy!


End file.
